I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my being single is dangerous.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.