He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
