Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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