I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
