my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
