My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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