ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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