Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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