Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
