if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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