Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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