a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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