speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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