you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
