You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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