Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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