Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ttyl tear gas
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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