I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
