Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower