I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
