I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize