I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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