If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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