last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
