Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
