I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
