Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
