How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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