Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
