so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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