I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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