I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
