so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
