come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
