well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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