YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
