My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
