As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
