3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
