I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she told me i tasted like america
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
