wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
