they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
