I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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