I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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