i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
