Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
