He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
