Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
