I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
