you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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