is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
