Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
