How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
