You don't have asthma, your pregnant
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
