I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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