I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
