I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
