wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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