I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
