dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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