i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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