I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My vagina is officially offended.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
