hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
